drama queen

still another TRW post...

Aah, a subject that's (un)near and (un)dear to my heart...writer's anxiety. I believe it is an affliction inevitable to those who have written or have thought of writing with the intent to be published. In this respect, we authors are all equals. It is only in the manner with which we deal with our anxieties that we differ.

Those who have had the misfortune of suffering from writer's block understand that often it is anxiety or fear that causes it; an unshakeable, implacable, monster of a fear that renders our ability to create paralyzed.

The best way to address this problem is to ignore the fear altogether, or so says the numerous articles I've read on the topic. Hah! Easier said than done, I say. "Roll up your sleeves, dig in your heels, and write. Just write." That's it in a nutshell. That's what they recommend. This advice is a tad condescending if you ask me. Fear, I believe, is something that should not be taken lightly more so ignored.

I was a psych major in college and although my knowledge on the subject is somewhat rusty, there is one precept that is very much clear to me still. Before we can begin to eradicate or even manage our fears, it is vital that we first understand where they stem from.

The roots of our fears are as varied as we are individuals and there is no one else who can make sense of it better than we can.

Based on my experience, starting out I feared rejection. I feared scrutiny. I feared being thought of as mediocre.

Now that I have had some work published, my fears remain the same. I am still afraid of being rejected. I am still afraid of being scrutinized. I am still afraid of being thought of as mediocre. Plus, now, I am afraid of not being able to live up to what others expect from me.

Pardon me for seeming to gloat but I feel I have to mention this for you to understand where I'm coming from. You see, the very first book I wrote was hailed "Novel of the Month" by my publication, an achievement that by far only I have managed to accomplish. An achievement that has been like a millstone around my neck for it prevented me from writing just for the fun of writing.

It seemed as though every book I wrote afterward was competing with the first. I
was beating myself black and blue and there was only so much of it I could take. Six months later, I stopped writing altogether. Not because I wanted to stop but because I just couldn't write any more.

Then I attributed everything to writer's block. However, little by little, with the help of the articles I've read and the posts we've exchanged here on the subject, I began to understand that my problem isn't the blockage per se nor the fears behind it. It dawned on me that it was the root of all my fears that was the real enemy. You guessed it, my insecurity.

Just recently, I began writing again though I have to admit I'm still getting accustomed to it.

If you ask me how I managed shake off my fears, I can't give you a defining moment. I can't say that it just happened for I know I went through a very long process to get here. A big part came from introspection, some from talking about it with people who understood--people like you. What is most important, I think, is my will and determination. I did not just up and left my dream of becoming a writer just because I encountered bumps in the road.

Now, I'm okay again. For how long, I don't know. Only time and circumstance will tell. What I know is this: I want to be a writer. I want to continue becoming a writer. This is my dream. Whatever obstacle I meet next, this dream will give me the courage to face and defeat it, every time.